Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

Amber McCormick
April 05 2009 07:00AM

Zach Attack

As we approach the end of another disappointing season I can’t help but wonder what, if anything, would the Oil have done differently. The obvious answer would be win more, but each player is as unique a snowflake.

I had the privilege of a private and intimate (fake) interview with Zack Stortini. Out of all the fake interviews I’ve been a part of, never have I experienced such truth, candor and honesty. The following is an excerpt from said interview. The full interview can be heard in my head.

Amber: I imagine this isn’t the season you were hoping for. If you could go back to the beginning of the season what would you do differently?

Stortini: Hit more.

A: Wow. That’s so raw, Zack, so raw. Does it ever affect you, emotionally, being such a brute?

Z: (grunt) Brute. Hit.

A: Yes, that’s right Zack. Brutes hit. During Anaheim games you tend to get into quite the grapples with George Parros. What’s up with that?

Z: Mustache tickle. Smash... hit

A: I get it. I know how you feel. So Zack, now that the season is wrapping up and it looks as though you, once again, won’t be part of the playoffs; what do you plan to do with your time?

Z: Rabbits. Rabbits we’re gonna get and I, I get to tend ‘em.

A: That’s great Zack. Be careful with those rabbits. Remember what I taught you?

Z: Some people call it a slingblade... Hit rabbits... uh, no... no hitting rabbits.

A: Good boy, Zack.

So as you can see, there is life after the season. These players have other dreams. They have simple needs. Hopefully four to five months of rest will be just what our boys need.

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Amber lives in Edmonton. Everyday she tries to do her part in preserving nature. Tomorrow she's pickling squirrels. Amber doesn't sweat the petty thing and she doesn't pet the sweaty things.