GDB 71.0: BATTLE OF ALBERTA

Wanye
March 16 2012 12:20PM

Oh hey Calgary. How’s things? It’s just Wanye - your friendly neighbour to the North. Just thought we’d pop in with a few friends to talk about the ice hockey match this evening.

Things aren’t as dire up here in Edmonton as seasons of XXth, 30th, 30th and 29th would suggest. Yeah we know you are better than us on paper. You have an all world goalie capable of winning you any game he decides. We have a worn out old Russian and some 9 foot something or other backing him up.

Your Captain has X 30 goal seasons in a row, our Captain makes $30 million dollars a game.

PROOF MEET PUDDING

We know that you have been to the playoffs X times since 2006 and all we have been getting up here is our collective asses handed to us. We know we aren’t even close to you in the standings.

We know that the cumulative 5 year record of our respective teams is:

We know all sorts of facts.

Having said all of that:

WE WOULD RATHER BE US THAN YOU

That’s right. The Oilers are coming out of an extended dark age and yours are only beginning now. And you know it too – don’t even pretend you can’t see four or five years of basement dwelling on the horizon ahead of you. Look how old you are! And the no trade clauses! Tsk tsk tsk. It boggles the mind!

Had any UFA or RFA of note chosen the Edmonton Oilers in the past 10 years we might be in a similar pickle. But guess what. They didn’t. And the garbage that we were able to sign are almost all off the books. Then you know what happens? That’s when the winning starts.

Now sure that might be tomorrow and not today. We know that you are surging ETC ETC ETC and hope to put a playoff berth firmly in your sights tonight. And we know that this ain’t exactly the best Oilers squadron of the past 3

There are many areas the Oilers can whip the Calgary Flames at and this includes:

SEXIER BRASS

Sutter v Renney? Are we kidding here? Not to mention that the corpse of Tambellini could be left in the sun for a week and be more attractive in a bathing suit than Jay Feaster. No no, this isn't even a contest between the two franchises.

MORE RYANS

Compare the rosters

MORE SQUEEE

Something something

MORE NUGE

Something something

AND SO

In closing here are some more incendiary quotes from OilersNation via twitter:

@bcherri01 This one is for first dibs on tee times #battleofalberta

@JSBMrevolution Time to show the world who the REAL best cousin kissers are #Wait #battleofalberta

@MyqWilson “Who wins BOA? Jay Feaster asks for the question to be rephrased in the form of a cheeseburger*

You are the worst monsters in human history. We look forward to watching you miss the playoffs.

Signed,

A team out of the playoffs for XX consecutive months

PS Even at the end of the article we would STILL rather be us than you.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 geoilersgist
March 16 2012, 10:11AM
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FIST Eat!@#$ Flames

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#2 Archaeologuy
March 16 2012, 10:35AM
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But what about Sven, Wanye? What about Sven?!

Indeed, what about Sven? For starters, his last name is dumb. 5 Consonants in a row and three different vowels? It looks like somebody reached into the Crown Royal pouch thats used to hold the Scrabble letters and tried to slip one past immigration.

Shooting at 37%? Totally sustainable. Good thing you've got him for the rest of the season. OH...RIGHT, he has to go back to play little kid hockey as soon as your old and busted team gets healthy. If they CAN get healthy. No worries though, Next year your team will finally have someone to play with Iggy for the the forseeable future. It might be 8 years too late, but at least Iggy will be able to give Sven pointers on how to play in the NHL without a supporting cast.

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#3 Oiler or Flames Fan
March 16 2012, 11:05AM
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@Canuck Fan

Comment on how the Canucks have never won the Stanley Cup and never will, so haha.

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#4 edmontoncritic - BRoadwAY
March 16 2012, 11:08AM
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Oiler or Flames Fan wrote:

Comment on how the Canucks have never won the Stanley Cup and never will, so haha.

When even Calgary can trash talk you with their ONE cup, you know your team is useless! #CanuckSuck

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#5 Jason Gregor
March 16 2012, 06:16PM
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Mitch2 wrote:

Go crunch the numbers on Gretzky on the Oilers vs the rest of his career.

Get back to me later, I've already done it.

Mario > Wayne

Mitch go look at the numbers of any player and show me guys who put up the same numbers between ages of 19-27 as they do from 27+.

In an era when everyone was scoring Gretzky scored 60, 70 and sometimes 80 more than everyone else in the league.

Not one single stat shows Lemieux was better offensively. The one thing Lemieux was better at was scoring on the PP. He had way more PP goals than Wayne, and we all know EV goals are harder to score.

You want to argue about Oilers and Flames go ahead, but bring up uniformed, inaccurate chirps about Lemieux makes most Flames fans embarrassed that you represent them I'm guessing.

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#6 mayorpoop
March 16 2012, 10:36AM
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now THIS is a GDB! well played noble sire.

#eatsh!tflames is definitely something i can back. i hope that Wanye, through his extensive grouping of groupies can have this trending sooner rather than later.

furthermore i hope #eatsh!t flames becomes the mantra for every single BOA game.

#eatsh!tflames*

*i hate every single one of you flames with all my heart.

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#7 Archaeologuy
March 16 2012, 12:54PM
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Jeff Lebowski wrote:

Exactly my point but we didn't make up your name, that was all you. We did do the celebration. Which you tried to copy. The stabbing was your own twist. Stabbing each other during a celebration. Who is retarded?

Still you, Jeff. I dont think you understood what I wrote. There was no Kopper Kilometer or Blue Mile. There is only Whyte Ave. It isnt a name we copied from Calgary. 82nd Avenue is actually called Whyte Ave. All the time.

I know its been a while since anything good happened in Calgary, but do you actually think that you guys invented the concept of people congregating in front of bars in 2004? If that's the case then every city that's ever been to the Cup final in history probably owes Calgary some royalties.

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#8 Kent Wilson
March 16 2012, 01:25PM
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Can't we all just agree that Vancouver is terrible?

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#9 Wax Man Riley
March 16 2012, 10:05PM
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After reading most of the comments I have come to a few conclusions:

1)Flames fans have a SERIOUS inferiority complex comparable to "little man syndrome." Eerily similar to Toronto's "center of the universe" complex.

2)Flames fans have some strange obsession with cousins that have relations with each other.

3)Flames fans use the word "retarded" to describe anything not Calgary related.

4)Calgary is losing this game handily, and is another step closer to missing the playoffs.

5)Oilers fans have seen The Flames movie before. We know how it ends. Trying to hang on, catch 8th place and pray that anything can happen in the playoffs. Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt. Mine says "Grier"

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#10 Quicksilver ballet
March 16 2012, 10:25AM
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Best GDB evaaaaaaa!

This is going to be such a great day

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#11 Dallylamma
March 16 2012, 11:01AM
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Sweet Jesus. Did anyone else picture Wayne writing this while lying on the floor of Nation World HQ surrounded by dozens of empty Pixie Stix Tubes and crushed Bud Light Lime cans?

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#12 Archaeologuy
March 16 2012, 12:09PM
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@Jeff Lebowski

I can honestly say that the only time I ever heard Whyte Ave referred to as anything other than Whyte Ave during the Cup run was while I was in Calgary. I really think that was a made up thing from Calgaretards.

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#13 Petr's Jofa
March 16 2012, 01:10PM
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Since the lockout:

Edmonton's played 4 playoff series / Calgary's played in 4 playoff series

Edmonton's won 3 playoff rounds / Calgary's won 0 playoff rounds

Edmonton's played in 24 playoff games / Calgary's played in 26 playoff games

Edmonton's won 15 playoff games / Calgary's won 12 playoff games

Edmonton's missed playoff for 5 years going on 6 / Calgary's missed the playoff for 2 years going on 3.

The 6 year rebuild has been hard to watch, but I'd rather have hope for the future than be stuck cheering for slighlty below average hockey team like the Flames.

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#14 Wax Man Riley
March 17 2012, 01:21AM
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And another thing.... How do you flames fans actually think that Jay Feas....

Flames fans? *looks around*

*calls out* FLAAAAAAMMESSSS FAAAAAANNNSSSSS!!!

*hears crickets*

Wonder where they all went.....

*goes back to playing Mass Effect 3, forgets all about The Flames. Just like the hockey gods.*

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#15 Stocc
March 16 2012, 10:13AM
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My buddy from Edmonton is currently on vacation in Geneva. Click here to check out the photo he took of the thermostat in his hotel bedroom. He promised to crank it up for the game tonight so my GDP is Eberle's first ever NHL hat trick.

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#16 Sean17
March 16 2012, 10:56AM
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Ruthless commentary. Thank god for post like this from Wanye. It's what makes ON enjoyable. Instead of Willis' Calculator of Gloom. Willis is the dad who you show your 98% report card to and he asks why didn't you get 100%.

That Cheeseburger tweet is possibly one of the best ever.

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#17 Quicksilver ballet
March 16 2012, 10:18PM
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Didn't even notice that Sven Barfy guy out there this evening. Not many Flamers bothered to show up.

Without Kipper in goal, the Lames are no better than the Columbus Bluejackets.

SCREW YOU CALGARY!

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#18 Colin
March 16 2012, 10:33AM
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Words cannot describe this GameDay posting.

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#19 Sloppy Joe
March 16 2012, 10:40AM
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Wayne, this is probably your finest work ever.

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#20 backburner
March 16 2012, 10:56AM
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Arguing over who wins the Battle of Alberta at this point is like running in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded!

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#21 The Soup Fascist
March 16 2012, 12:00PM
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T&A4Flames wrote:

NOBODY can out 'squeeeeeeeeeeee' louder and better than Steve Tambi when the 1st overall lottery pick goes ...yet again.... to the Edmonton Oilers!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. One can only wonder what the Shames would do with better first round picks. Let us take a quick look at the two teams recent first draft selections. If we go with the assumption that not even Flames Management would screw up a 1st overall (I said ASSUMPTION) the past two years will be exempt.

2009 - Paajarvi / Tim Erixon

2008 - Eberle / Greg Neimisz

2007 - Gagner / Mikey Backlund

2006 - Petry / Leland Irving

2005 - Cogliano / Matt Pelech

2004 - Dubnyk / Kris Chucko

Wow. Wasn't that Fun! Notice I had to add the Flames guys first names so they were somewhat recognizable. Now, I know what you are thinking, Cletus, Clem, Zeke or whatever the flip your Flame Lovin' name is: "but y'all sucked and had better picks than us guys, did". And to a point that is true, but not as much as you think. Over this 6-year span your Flamers picked an average 25th overall and the Oil picked 20th overall, not exactly a serf and lord feudal system (whoops forgot my audience: po' folks and rich 'uns).

So, yes continue to rave on about your team that has sucked less than us. I agree you are average, the top wrung of the mediocre! But our day will come and sadly the writing is on the wall and the shelves are bare in the City of Cows. And what is funny is you have no one to blame but yourselves.

That light at the end of the tunnel, well sometimes it is a train.

PS Wanye. Please allow whoever tweeted the "cheeseburger" comment to write an entire article. Pure GOLD!

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#22 Justin R
March 16 2012, 10:29PM
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gussey wrote:

Im not sure if oiler fans have heard of this guy Sven Baerschi.. 3 goals in his first 4 games. and hes 19.. and we didnt have to finish last place in the nhl to draft him

Not sure if you have heard of a guy named Jordan Eberle, but he has 31 goals on the year and he was drafted #22

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#23 dawgtoy
March 16 2012, 10:37AM
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BRILLIANT!!! Love the pic Stocc. Please Please Please spOIL the Flames post season hopes. PLEASE!

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#24 Ales Hallsky
March 16 2012, 10:40AM
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oh yeah: Eat $h!t Flamers

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#25 Soft Hands McSteeley - FIST Movement
March 16 2012, 10:46AM
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Stocc wrote:

My buddy from Edmonton is currently on vacation in Geneva. Click here to check out the photo he took of the thermostat in his hotel bedroom. He promised to crank it up for the game tonight so my GDP is Eberle's first ever NHL hat trick.

Well that's all the omen I need, I'll go with 5 goals 9 points for the Eberlean one.

CRANK UP THE SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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#26 geoilersgist
March 16 2012, 10:58AM
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@T&A4Flames

actually 7 years ago was the lockout and after that we went to the conference final...typical flames fan and being smarter than nobody

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#27 BUCK75
March 16 2012, 10:59AM
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Without a doubt this is the greatest article ever written by Wanye. This should be nominated for some sort of interwebz award.

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#28 Gitagrip
March 16 2012, 11:02AM
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Responses from the Flames fan **crickets**

Wanye you outrageous magnificent bastard. Your finest hour. A gutsy offering worthy of a buzillion props. Girls swooning at the mention of your name. Grown men sobbing with satisfaction. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

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#29 Oilers Coffey
March 16 2012, 11:08AM
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T&A4Flames wrote:

I'd say the same thing to you but your team has been doing that for the last 7years for you... suck it, bottom feeders!

Always fun to read to quips of Flames fans...Almost the biggest posers in the NHL, well next to Canucks fans.

Flames Nation Anthem: "We're Number 9!!!" "We're Number 10!!!"

Mediocrity = Flames

Great article Wanye, fun read, but I gotta say I got the shivers when Feasters Mug comes scrolling into view....Shivers again... UGLY

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#30 druds
March 16 2012, 11:17AM
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Is there a Pulitzer Award for Blogs? This crap is near genius....well played Wanye,well played...

And a pox on that southern bastion of hillbillies and evil rodeo clowns.

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#31 Robin Brownlee
March 16 2012, 11:33AM
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Brilliant.

You could have stopped after the top photo and caption and it still would be so. And everybody calls you an imbecile . . .

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#32 edmontoncritic - BRoadwAY
March 16 2012, 12:53PM
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Calgary = Joan Rivers: barely managing to look like a real person, only a matter of time until the minor surgeries just don't cut it anymore.

Edmonton = Kate Upton: Mmmmmmmmmmm

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#33 The Soup Fascist
March 16 2012, 01:25PM
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Jeff Lebowski wrote:

Your envy of Calgary is so obvious. We're the Tyler Durdens to you. We look how you want to look, we f&%$ how you want to f&%$.

But you're not, and you're very, very pissed off.

You see you guys try to pick up shifts so you can come down to Calgary and pretend to live a life that's foreign to you.

You go to our bars and see all the hot chicks and buy them drinks. It goes nowhere, you run out of money and go back home to screw your fat, ugly broads (who happen to be your first cousins).

You end up having kids with web feet and stunted growth. You tell your buddies that all the girls in Calgary are snobs and everyone is pretentious. You say things like Eat Sh&% Calgary.

But deep down you want to be us, even for just one day. You want to live to good life and not worry when Money Mart opens. You just want to be Calgary so much that you end up hating us because you will never be this good.

Back in 2004 you all put on Flames jerseys you were living the dream. You were finally Flames fans. Some of the more resentful/mongoloid amongst you started writing why all these Flames jerseys? We can't cheer for them. But you did. En masse.

And you're reminded of it every time you look at your retarded, web footed kids and grossly rotund cousin/wife.

Then you see your own web feet.

Son, our teams play in a League where fans require intelligence.

Whose Gonna Do it? You Jeff Lebowski? You Vintage Flame?

We have more responsibility than you can fathom.

You weep for Cammalleri, Iginla and the rest of the Shames

But you don't know what we know, that your prospects are suspects and doomed to fail.

So while we as Oil Fans, are annoying to you, we make sense.

And deep down in places you don't want to think about - you know that it is true.

We use names like Hallsy, Ebs and Nuge. They are the backbone of our team. And you use them as Punchlines.

I haven't the time or inclination to explain myself to fans of a team who have no future and wonder why it is happening.

Better just to thank the Oil for being the one exciting team in the Province or pick up an Oilers Banner and Stand Post.

But either way I don't give a damn of what you think your team is entitled to.

Lebowski, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

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#34 The Soup Fascist
March 16 2012, 04:10PM
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Jeff Lebowski wrote:

This is rich. I can't resist. Edmonton's claim to fame is that they have a mall?! You're that stupid that you don't understand that's why your city sucks?

Speaking of your mall, it really is indicative of the sh&$ hole you call home. Fantasyland.

You see, in Fantasyland you ignore the present reality. You either live in the past or some make believe future. Go nuts with that. After you've finished going down the waterslide for the 1000th time because it just so awesome you might realize you're showing off your man boobs in a mall.

Edmontonians are just idiots. I almost feel bad destroying your "come backs".

Wow, what an editorial ...

.... "you're that stupid"

...... "your city sucks"

...... "Sh&$hole"

..... "just idiots"

Thanks for taking the time to provide concise, insightful dialogue. Appreciate you taking time from your MENSA meetings to share the wealth of thoughtful rebuttal.

And somewhere in the distance the sound of Lebowski's banjo tuning up is heard. "You sure have a purdy mouth"

.... cue the banjo

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Did someone say Gretzky was overrated????

I guess if you're ignorant yet arrogant, you might be a Flames fan.

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#36 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
March 16 2012, 05:53PM
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Mitch2 wrote:

Go crunch the numbers on Gretzky on the Oilers vs the rest of his career.

Get back to me later, I've already done it.

Mario > Wayne

yep, the plug only put up 1290pts in 871 games post oilers

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#37 DieHard
March 16 2012, 07:33PM
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Mitch111 wrote:

How bout...no? Hey die hard, do what your name states for the rest of us that dont care about you

Let me talk to Mitch 110.

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#38 dougtheslug
March 16 2012, 10:40PM
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Down 2-1, coming out for the biggest third period of the year, and the Flames get 2 - count 'em, 2- shots on goal. Nice. Maybe having a shut down d-man like Schulz isn't a bad idea.

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#39 D-man
March 16 2012, 11:00PM
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T&A4Flames wrote:

The only reason Sven was called up is because we already were playing with 7 of our AHLers and couldn't keep depleting our minor team... and we are still winning! What does that say about our future???!!!

it says you have been playing a lot of mediocre teams lately and the top of Kiprusof's head is flatter than your girlfriend.

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#40 The Soup Fascist
March 17 2012, 12:25AM
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Jeff Lebowski wrote:

One could bring up how your mayor wants you to kick the Calgary habit. You know with the airport? Calgary is the hub, businesses know it, so do your own citizens.

Your downtown airport. It retarded the growth of your city. Look in your downtown, there are no new skyscrapers, no new development.

All the power has been transferred to Calgary. Why? We have all the money. We're growing while you're shrinking. You see, people, especially young people, are leaving Edmonton in droves. A lot are coming to Calgary. Why? It's better here, in every way.

Edmonton's getting older, no one is moving there. Soon your tax revenue will shrink so much that the governments funds that make up all your new developments will dry up. It won't be justified to spend tax dollars there. We have money here. The development gap is obvious. Look out the window.

Speaking of tax dollars, your new rink is raping your city up the a$$ (but you guys love it up the a$$). Katz is just preying on your existential fear of losing the Oilers. He puts some up front cash up but threatens your city council. They bend over for him and he sucks all the money in this whole deal. It all goes to Rexall's benefit. Sure some bars will make money but the real cash leaves town just like him. This is the only investment in Edmonton worth anything and he's gonna take all the cash and ship it out to Palm Springs or someplace else with a future. You're all just letting it happen because there's no one else.

You can come down to Calgary. You're all more than welcome. We got lots of people moving here and they can cheer for whoever they want. The educated are coming here, settling here, investing here. We are exponentially growing the gap past you. In many ways you don't matter. You're irrelevant. We don't care if you come here, we're too busy living great lives. We don't hate like you do. We're not envious like you are. We'd love to share the good times here with you. Think of all the people you know who've already made the move. They ain't looking back.

Edmonton has just declined past the point of return. You're climbing up a mountain of sand, you wave your arms but you're just sinking further back.

You know, teams win and lose. No big deal. We just got so much more to look forward to here. Our lives are fuller, richer. Highway 2 North is the road to nowhere.

All I'm doing is pointing at the writing on the wall. Do whatever you want with it. I could care less.

Wow. Just getting back from the game. Excellent game and result. Gotta keep my eye on that Eberle guy, he might be OK.

Hey little fella you had a big day. Spouted off your non-sensical babble. Got schooled on the boards. Made a fool of yourself and watched Flames stink it up.

Time to put on the Little Lebowski Flaming C jammies and head for Ma's basement. Curl into fetal postion and repeat, Today never happened. Today never happened.

Sweet dreams

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#41 thepeetso
March 17 2012, 01:58AM
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The Flames are so offensively challenged, Laddy Smid felt obliged to help out and score their only goal for them.

#eatsh!tflames

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#42 kittensandcookies
March 16 2012, 10:51AM
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That. Was. Awesome.

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#43 FastOil
March 16 2012, 01:14PM
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Wanye you forgot to mention the generosity we have shown to the "the worst monsters in human history".

First we taught them how to play hockey, and showed them what a dynasty looks like in the 80's with A LOT of tough love. A LOT. World class butt whooping.

Then we gave them a Cup so they would quit whining by trading the best player ever, and pretending to lose to the Kings.

Next we bred and raised two of their three best players, we gave them Glencross, and they still can't win the Cup.

Disgraceful.

Okay they birthed Taylor, but they had to send him to Kingston because they couldn't handle it and tried to keep him away from us. Another fail.

It's too sad to continue.

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#44 Gitagrip
March 16 2012, 01:22PM
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@Jeff Lebowski

Jeff, really good stuff. Funny as hell. You have an obvious talent. Don't waste it. You could do this professionally. BTW I told your Mom the same thing and she took my advice. You're Dad's name is John isn't it?

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#45 They're $hittie
March 16 2012, 01:50PM
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T&A4Flames wrote:

You should be careful about the 'girls' comments, all of CGY's street walkers come from Edmonton. They want to be paid in cash not cigarettes and booze (they'll go buy those on their own thank you). Besides, they're probably your sisters and cousins so, you know... gross!

As for Sven, better one wasted talent than 3 or 4... oh, and don't forget your soon to be #5 top prospect. ...Everything Edmonton...NOT RATED!!!

please dont compare svens talent to that of halls or RNH,

3 games!

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#46 Archaeologuy
March 16 2012, 02:37PM
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Mort wrote:

Hm... From that picture, it looks like RNH has the body of Justin Bieber.

...If Justin Bieber had the BODY OF A GOD

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#47 The Soup Fascist
March 16 2012, 02:40PM
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T&A4Flames wrote:

And by the way, Vintage's comments are as strong and true as his Kung Fu...........

When you and Vintage Flame are done "pulling each others goalies" feel free to join us in the real world. Also replying to your own message is somewhere between Delta Bravo and Delusional in the old "Flame Fan Handbook".

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#48 Bryzarro World
March 16 2012, 02:46PM
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@Vintage Flame

Or you are an ignorant moron with a drinking problem... You can't even spell your name right without looking at the tag your stepmom hung around your neck. Surprised you hicks have internet access down there. When you're done, pull your head out of that cows ass and step into reality.

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#49 Archaeologuy
March 16 2012, 02:50PM
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Mort wrote:

I didn't know that the gods had bodies resembling 12-year-old girls.

This is why the Hockey Gods have foresaken Calgary. Hubris. Look it up. Results arent favourable.

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#50 mayorpoop
March 16 2012, 03:29PM
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The people of Shelbyville are not much smarter or less quick to anger than the people of Springfield. On some occasions, Shelbyville has been shown as the more culturally sophisticated of the two cities with a better public school system and hospital, demonstrated by Abe Simpson saying "I'm going to a better place. Shelbyville hospital!" - from the Simpson's wiki page.

now correct me if i am mis-interpreting what the resident flames fans are saying but are they not calling us the people of Shelbyville?

if that being the case then this needs to be read ^. not much smarter....BUT smarter none the less. more culturally sophisticated...WELL no arguement here. we are a higher class of peeps.

fine. be the folks from Springfield. from what i can gather Vintage Flame seems to be the Homer of the group. not the best person to be compared to. i've also noticed moe and barney here today.

anywho...good luck tonite flames. you shall need it.

#eatsh!tflames

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